The Reason I Cry
by Mapping the Soul
Summary: "My master… hasn't shed a single tear. How could I, as his servant, shed them?" Warnings: Series Spoilers, Major Character Death (Canon).


**Rating:** K+

**Warning:** Series Spoilers, Major Character Death (canon).

**Fandom:** Pandora Hearts

**Pairing/Relationship:** -

**Status:** Completed

**Author:** Mapping the Soul

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything.

**Summary:** "My master… hasn't shed a single tear. How could I, as his servant, shed them?"

A/N: I have recently re-read Pandora Hearts & just felt like Gilbert needed to cry. ):

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**The Reason I Cry**

As soon as the door closed behind me, I slumped over, hands digging into my eyes I recalled exactly what had happened. I was not thrown off by the horrific sight, just simply hurt. Something inside my body tugged at my heart strings and told me that I'd survive. _You've seen worst_ it seemed to say but to me, nothing could be more horrific at that moment. My insides had churned but I just stood there, like a fool and stared down at the pool of blood that smeared Elliot's body.

Oz stood his ground and kept his composure. It was unlike him but my Master just stared right down a death, not even parting his lips to yell, let alone break down and cry. Sharon had kind intentions, I knew, but it still pissed me off. So many things had happened, many died and true colours seeped through. I wonder why I had not thought of such things before it all happened, but as soon as I questioned, my mind became completely blank. All the answers that were floating around refused to land within my grasp. They flapped their wings in my mind and like the raven, laughed mockingly at me every time I turned to stare. Out of anger, I had tried to shoot them down but it seemed like I lacked resolve.

"Gilbert-san?"

I jerked my body immediately, turned to face Sharon and forced an awkward smile onto my face. It was probably a worthless attempt but Sharon did not point it out. Instead, she smiled brightly at me with a very small bow and then went on her way. I watched her for a moment and readied myself to go but her steps halted and she twirled her body around to face me.

"Perhaps," she suggested, "You should think of who you are from another perspective, Gilbert-san."

She pulled her smile a little more and once more went on her way, this time not turning back at all. I wanted to break something but clenched my hands together and walked in the opposite direction. _I need to check up on Oz_, my conscience told me and I knew that it was the right thing to do. Thinking about my duty had a semi-calming effect. I had my doubts in that department but I knew I had to pull myself together. Oz always seemed fine on the outside so it was hard to tell when he would crumble.

I heaved a sigh, fixed up my attire and positioned the hat on my head before I attempted a knock. However, as soon as my knuckles pressed against the door, it creaked quietly and stood ajar. Inside, Oz was still oddly calm. He stared out the window and held a conversation with Alice. For once, Alice was not asking for meat and Oz was not trying to cheer her up. The two leaned against each other, back to back, exchanging words that I could not hear but it was obviously comfort. I had underestimated Alice's ability to feel and read the atmosphere.

Lowering my head, I took a reluctant step back and retreated to my room. I had a duty to fulfil as Oz's valet but right at this moment, I also knew that there was nothing that I could do. There were no words that could truly comfort Oz and there was nothing that I could do to mend it. It was not as though Elliot had been dropped into the Abyss. He was different from Oz. Elliot was just gone.

I turned the lock on my door and slumped into the seat beside the window. Taking off my hat, I grabbed a smoke from my pocket, slipped it between my lips but did not light it. Sharon's words flew around in my head in the same mocking manner but I knew better than to try and tackle it down. Instead, I eyed it from above and snickered, as if I had power over it and tried to play off as the higher authority. Even though it was my mind, it was a rather hopeless attempt.

Giving ignorance a go, I turned to the window and rolled the smoke back and forth. The sun shone through brightly and the skies were clear. I started to slowly understand how Oz was just taken by the view. However, as soon as my mind wandered, I was pulled by back Sharon's words. They were different from the answers that I sought. They wanted to be heard. Without anything else to do, I concluded to give them a chance. I'd never find the answers I wanted if I all I did was run away.

Touching at Sharon's words, I attempted to search for a deeper meaning.

_Who was I? What was I?_

To Alice, I was probably just a seaweed head. To Break, a tool, but maybe that had changed. I wanted to be his friend and I hoped to continue on the path of getting there. I guess that I could call Sharon a friend, though we were not exactly close. Reim would also fall under that category. According to Vincent, we'd always be brothers and with the blood bond that we shared, I doubted that that would ever change. And to Oz… to Oz I was his valet, one that he claimed he would never set free.

Then to Elliot… who was I to Elliot? Perhaps the question should be reversed here. _Who was Elliot to me?_

I summoned up Elliot's image and stared blankly at him. He was stern. He looked stiff with the violin case on his back and a frown sullied his bright features. I knew this posture. He held it because he was standing before Oz. He even scoffed at something and turned away, completely ignoring everything that was being said to him. Elliot's radiance and his sense of honour were things that I could never hope to surpass. But then he turned back, a livelier air floated around him and then he smiled.

It was _that_ smile again.

Once again, I could see the lustre and energetic demeanour that he carried around to light up my world. Suddenly, I recalled the way he followed Vincent and I around the Nightray manor like a chick and kept nagging us. He asked questions, he poked his nose in where it was not wanted but he was the medicine that kept us sane in that place. I dug a little deeper into my memory, remembered I had thought that Elliot was dazzling, just like Oz. He carried some different values from Oz but also shared many other qualities.

Suddenly, the sound of Elliot's voice rang in my ears. Childish, small and a little sharp but he meant no harm. Elliot was running after us again, holding a book in his small hands and trying hard to catch up with those short legs. A chuckle escaped my lips as I recalled the memory and wondered how the young one had become so strong without me noticing. I had missed seeing Elliot grow after I left the Nightray manor but he was the same as he had always been, only stronger.

Amidst my chuckle, something swirled around my body, dragging bits and pieces of my soul and gathered it in once place. I felt a tightening sensation around my chest and then it began to burn. Soon my eyes were burning too and I could feel the tears gather, threatening to run down my face if I dared blink. I fixed my gaze but the more I thought about it, the more tears came. My vision became blurry and then everything was a mess before my eyes. Tears stained my cheeks and I loathed myself more with each passing second. They would not stop and just kept on attacking me.

I buried my face within my palms and mentally commanded them to stop but that only seemed more provocative. _You should not be crying_, I was told, but even the voice inside my head could not stop it. Even thinking of my duty to Oz did not stop the tears. My sleeve was soaked and my eyes were now sore but the memory kept replaying itself in my mind, just like a broken record.

Without being able to stop, I wailed as if I was fourteen again.

In my mind, Elliot had tripped but did not cry. Instead, he pushed himself back up, brushed his cheek free of the dust and continued to run after us. He had a prideful expression on his face but as he ran, he had my name on his lips and then…

_"Onii-chan!"_

_Fin._


End file.
